I used to carry a book with me everywhere. The problem with novels, though, is they look like novels. It’s hard to get away with reading one at your job. Unless you’re a book reviewer or literature professor, of course.
E-books are the perfect solution for reading when and where you’re not supposed to. If you have e-books on your computer or tablet, make sure the screen isn’t visible to coworkers and you can enjoy your favorite author when everyone thinks you’re making spreadsheets. Just frown in concentration to look convincing.
The real game-changer for people who want to read inappropriately is a smartphone loaded with e-reader apps, like Kindle, Nook, or Apple Books. Everyone, even the hardest workers, has to check their phones at times for that text from the spouse about the kids or that email from an important client. Your coworkers will never know you’re reading a T.C. Boyle short story. They might wonder, though, why you’re staring at the phone for so long without constantly scrolling.
Interminable meeting? A phone with an open e-reader app, strategically placed on your lap, is just the ticket. As mentioned above, e-books don’t require the manic scrolling of people glued to their social media feeds so it’s easier to avoid detection by your boss.
Your phone is with you everywhere, which means you can read novels everywhere. Boring service at your church, temple, or mosque? Enjoying a couple of chapters of Lee Child on your phone will fix that. And Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen can make any funeral less depressing, but please try not to laugh out loud.
Are you a psychologist with an especially tedious patient droning on about his or her problems? Here’s your opportunity to jump back into the book that kept you up last night. A priest hearing confessions? Your parishioners can’t even see you in the booth, so go ahead and finish that Daniel Steele novel. And have you ever wondered how many judges are secretly reading books during trials? That’s why they sit higher than everyone else—so you can’t see what’s on the desk in front of them.
Now, admit it, you use your phone on the john. Yes, you do. If you’re stuck sitting on the throne for a while, why not make it a truly moving experience by being immersed in a novel? Maybe it’s a guy thing, but in my bachelor days it was very common to visit a male friend’s bathroom and find a magazine rack or a pile of books within easy reach of the commode. Having a lofty literary experience while doing your business makes you feel like a higher form of animal, especially since the guy in the next stall is probably only reading Facebook posts.
Is there truly any situation where sneaking some e-reading is wrong? Yes, when your wife is trying to have a discussion with you reading is wrong, and you will be punished.
And apparently in Pre-op it’s wrong, too. Last August, I was hoping some Hemingway would boost my courage during the anxious wait before being wheeled into the O.R. Nice try: My precious iPhone was confiscated and tossed into the plastic bag that held my clothes, shoes, and, even, wedding ring.
Now, if they would only invent an e-reader on a chip that’s implanted in your brain, imagine the possibilities. . .