I can’t make any sort of official announcement about what my partner and I are up to these days, but if I tell you we’ve been reading Coastal Living and watching a lot of episodes of Beachfront Bargain Hunt, you might have a clue. We are especially interested in affordable (cheap) home make-over ideas, which is a tough area for us, since we’ve always picked fun over style or function in our living spaces. This urge has led to a life full of regrettable sofas, an indoor hammock, a purple front room, and a series of cat bridges drilled high into the walls. Though we’re pretty proud of the cat bridges, it may be time to grow up. A little.
For example, this is what we think is awesome. This is a portrait of The Keeper (from Star Trek) by David Thornberry. It hangs in our otherwise stately/NOVA-normative dining room:
As I was watching an episode of Property Brothers today, I was shocked by the hosts’ hatred of arched entryways. Like, they were sledgehammer angry. Let’s just say I’ve seen a few arched entryways over the past few weeks, and I always thought they were charming. Guess I was wrong about that. So much to learn.
There are a lot of houses out there with great bones but funeral home décor, so we’re trying to educate ourselves in contemporary style. However, we’re also imagining that the look of today will become tiresome in just a few years. Our take is that a lot of what’s fashionable seems to be leaning towards clean, severe lines that are kind of . . . prison-y. Which is not to say I don’t like it. I was raised in the era of harvest gold, avocado green, and brick red, so all this cool granite is a relief.
That said, here are a few staples of modern, affordable design—and by modern and affordable, we mean the stuff you find on Wayfair but actually buy elsewhere (same as we did with Restoration Hardware, back in the “before times”)—that we think may go the way of dark paneling, shag carpet, skylights, and 3-D conquistador wall hangings.
Kitchen Islands/bars. Bold start, right? I really think there will come a time when we start loving our knees again, even more than we love reading our iPad super close to the toaster. Oh, and the operative word in “cooktop” is “top.” It belongs on top of the stove. When you put it somewhere across the room—like on an island—that’s some 1970s-hibachi steakhouse bs right there. Chances are, you don’t have the training for that crap. “Open up, here comes a flying hot shrimp!” Oops. And sadness prevails . . .
Laminate Floors. And they’re getting so pretty, aren’t they? That’s what we thought about linoleum back in the day. Sorry, but as soon as something becomes a symbol of “cheap and easy,” the party’s over. This one hurts my heart.
Soaking tubs. Let’s forget the water consumption aspect, even though we are talking shark’s-fin-soup-level disregard for the planet. I have one, and I’m not proud of it. However, I’m impatient, so I hardly ever use it. It takes FOREVER to fill one of these babies, catapulting us back to the days when someone had to “prepare the bath” for you with pots of hot water carried up from the kitchen. And if you have a soaking tub today, chances are you were the bath-prepper in a past life. (Yeah, I just called you low class. Takes one to know one.)
Pendant lights. Chandeliers may be extroverted and garish, but these things are introverted and creepy, which is way worse. I don’t want endoscopic lighting in my home.
Rectangle everything, long side down. They increase the global unhappiness factor by 17%. Unless they’re cat bridges.
Open Floor Plan. Okay, this is admittedly controversial. My husband’s contribution. He likes a house to be a warren of little enclosures, each one smaller and more oppressive than the last. I don’t agree, but I will say, you know what else has an open floor plan? The Oswald State Correctional Facility common room.
Metal/Concrete Countertops Come up to the lab, and see what’s on the slab. See #6 and #4 for ideas to make your home infirmary dreams come true.
Hardwood Floors. (yup) I love hardwood floors, but I hate the moral obligation—if you have hardwood, you must restore it! Otherwise you’re some kind of monster, especially if want to put down something that isn’t effing brown. (Plus, hardwood keeps the ghosts in).
Pedestal Bathroom Sinks. Go ahead, give up the best place to hide your ear wax remover kit and maxi pads, just so you can fat shame vanity cabinets.
Subway Tile Backsplashes. Doesn’t take a big imagination to figure out where this idea came from. Subway tiles. That are wet. Let’s make dinner near them.
Ten is a good place to stop with a list like this, especially since things are suddenly developing on our end. Pieces of paper are being exchanged, digital signatures are happening, bank accounts are draining. Nothing is settled yet, but we can say that the rollercoaster has crested the big dip, and we’re on our way. Be on the lookout for “Domestic Adventures Part Two,” which will be all about making smart plans and watching them turn into hummingbirds. Don’t pretend you don’t understand.